Although I don’t know who ‘you’ really is scratch that. I definitely know who this is inspired by. I certainly can pinpoint why I’m writing this and who I’m writing this for. This is definitely a mindless rant of what is going on in my head in no particular order and I’ve felt this is a good time to let it out. And hopefully whoever you are will actually know that I’m writing this because of you and will endure the longevity of my writing that you’re already exposed to, and maybe hopefully even come to me about it in a normal manner and will . I won’t give any hints because I already feel lame for being a major wuss and not being upfront, wishing you’d actually get the hint….without there being one so blatantly obvious…I think…
A part of this specific feeling roots down from previous friendships…something that’s been expressed about to only a few. But I usually say that I have trust issues…in a sense that I find it hard to trust people. This is true…at sometimes false. What I mean is that the feeling definitely changes. What happens is that I reciprocate my trust too easily, and then I become more open and even honest with someone. However I start to notice a change in behavior of some sort that starts to turn me off, like I’ve been told one thing but it’s contradicted it another time…so I don’t understand it. Not necessarily a betrayal, but I start to question if someone’s being genuine. Then I begin to assume…that I must be doing something wrong or someone’s just not being truthful with me and so on and so on…But then those feelings go away when I see something I’m more familiar with–but fade away in an instant when something else throws me off guard and I begin to feel insecure and afraid again, and the cycle just goes on and on…and ugh. Honestly I don’t know. I think all in all I just question who I am to you…and vice versa. That’s where trust comes into play and I begin to wonder if I really can be honest…
I think a part of me feels like I grew up too fast. There are moments where I might be a bit immature, but there are just some things that I’m not into that I probably would’ve enjoyed if I was a bit more risky and when I was still in high school. I was never the experimental type. I definitely was an observer, but I was never the type to grow a curiosity over things and try them at least once. If knew something wasn’t good for me I wouldn’t do it. Sheltered, maybe. No, definitely. But I’m actually quite okay with that…even now. I’ve accepted the fact that I’m pretty boring. A boring adult who is proud he’s clean and doesn’t find any fulfillment in playing with fire. Haha. But honestly I don’t want that to get in the way of any friendship…
I apologize for being a bit condescending…I don’t mean it. More like I don’t see it. Or even hear it. I guess I take my sarcasm to another level by acting that way…I think maybe it’s just a weird act of endearment. I know for a fact i don’t do it to try and bring anyone down, but in fact I just really do it cause I think you’re (lack of a better word) awesome and I care about you…If that makes sense.
I honestly don’t know what purpose this message essay serves, besides being a shattered bottle of emotions. I don’t know how you’d go about. A part of me hopes you take it sincerely, but I also feel like this is something to laugh off at later. I don’t want this to change anything, maybe open some eyes into what I’m feeling and definitely some room for growth…
This….Song for the Roots…one time gave me a dream that I remember so clearly that I think it hits the spot for me. Usually I always see a grey day, viewing the rain from the car window, traveling somewhere unclear, but the feeling of relief and leaving this place is strongly present. I don’t think I’m alone, but the aura of solitude is there as well. I don’t know where I’m headed but I don’t think I want to be going alone, wherever it is I’m going.
(Dammit I think that was an obvious hint).